“Reverse Backstabbing”- The Art of Praising People Behind Their Backs

By Avi Liran

Gossip can be hurtful and malicious, leaving behind a bad smell. And while we may not always avoid it, we can choose the type of gossip to engage in. Enter, reverse backstabbing, or deliberately spreading positivity behind peoples´ backs.

Gossip is a funny thing. It can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Casual gossip is the fun stuff that gets everyone talking and makes the world feel a little smaller. But negative gossip? It can leave people feeling like they’ve been run over by a bus! Still, sometimes negative gossip is useful. It exposes the rotten apples, makes the workplace safer, and helps everyone breathe easier. And then there’s my favorite type of gossip which I call “Reverse Backstabbing!”  That’s when people talk behind your back, but in a way that leaves you feeling like a superstar.

Let me invite your imagination to one of those chilly Cleveland winter days. It was freezing outside but cozy in the Weatherhead School of Management at Case Western University. Dr. David Cooperrider kicked off the course on AI (not what you think of), Appreciative Inquiry. The first lesson was an exercise in pairs called the “Appreciative Interview”.

My partner, Jeff, was a real “mentch”(1), a kind-hearted soul, humble, and totally present. With humble curiosity, he listened to me with rapt attention. But instead of reciprocating his undivided attention and appreciating his story, I found myself judging it in comparison to mine.

When someone later asked how it went, I casually remarked that Jeff’s story was uninspiring—classic negative gossip, masked with politeness.

The next day, when Jeff heard that I wanted to sell my work in America, he went above and beyond. He invited me to a CEO dinner, drove me through torrential rain, and even paid my entrance fee. He introduced me to every key player in the room, showing nothing but generosity. Reflecting on it later, I felt a wave of guilt. Here I was, badmouthing his story, while Jeff had been nothing but kind. He later handed me a thoughtful gift—no lecture, just a gentle reminder that I had been too quick to judge.

I felt like the scorpion from the Russian fable “The Scorpion and the Frog.” Don’t you do things you regret and wonder, “What the heck was I thinking?”

It brought to mind an old saying: “Those who point out others’ flaws usually highlight their own.” Carl Jung might call it ‘‘the shadow’’—the parts of ourselves we’d rather not acknowledge.

The lesson from my negative gossip wasn’t about Jeff’s story needing revision; it was my mindset. I resolved never to engage in negative gossip again but to reverse it.

Negative Gossip Hurts Everyone

Imagine finding out that a colleague has been badmouthing you behind your back. Not exactly the kind of news that makes you want to sing Kumbaya at the next team meeting, right? Trust vanishes, and suddenly, working with that person feels like running through quicksand.

Unless the gossip is protecting someone from genuine harm—like serious misconduct or ethical breaches, it’s generally better to zip it. Malicious gossip doesn’t just hurt the target but undermines the whole organization, and eventually, the gossiper finds themselves caught in their own web. It’s a losing game for everyone involved.

The perils of gossip are like trying to drive with your handbrake on. Here’s why:

• Kills trust: When people can’t trust you, they keep their ideas locked up tighter than a vault. Collaboration? More like a cold war.
• Stinks up your reputation: Spreading negativity about others is like being the “workplace skunk“. No one wants to be near you, and the stench lingers on your personal brand.
• Wastes time and destroys harmony: Gossip isn’t just a distraction—it’s a productivity killer. It’s drama, and last time I checked, drama doesn’t move projects forward.
• Ruins reputations and relationships: One careless whisper can wreck relationships and undermine DE&I efforts. It’s hard to undo the damage once people feel disrespected.
• Fuels anxiety, stress, and burnout: Gossip breeds stress like rabbits, leaving creativity and joy to fend for themselves. It’s a shortcut to emotional exhaustion and, eventually, the exit door.
• Divides teams: Gossip creates cliques, breaking down the cohesion teams need to succeed. It’s hard to hit a common goal when everyone’s picking sides.
• Creates enemies where you need allies: People remember who talked smack. In a world where connections matter, gossiping is like burning the bridge you might need to cross later.

“Positive Gossip” Ignites A Virtuous Circle

Sophie, a middle manager in a European bank with its HQ in Singapore had an exceptional team member, Alston, who consistently delivered outstanding results. Yet, despite her efforts, every attempt to secure him a promotion hit a wall.

Her boss promoted a mediocre performer from a peer team, while HR pushed the argument that others with more tenure deserved priority.

Meanwhile, Alston started showing signs of frustration and feeling undervalued after not being promoted two years in a row.

Fearing losing Alston to the competition, Sophie sought advice from Anya, her boss. Anya didn’t sugarcoat it: “You’ve been too modest about your team. The leadership and our HRBP don’t know how valuable Alston is because you’ve kept his achievements under the radar.”

Determined to turn things around, Sophie made it her mission to amplify Alston’s visibility. She openly praised his contributions in meetings, highlighted his achievements in reports, and ensured he had opportunities to present directly to senior leadership. Slowly but surely, Alston’s reputation grew across the company.

But here’s where life throws a curveball: the good news? Alston got promoted! Finally, all that hard work paid off. The bad news? Sophie, despite being a rockstar herself, didn’t. Anya, who had advised Sophie to shout from the rooftops about her team’s achievements, forgot to do the same for her. Eventually, Sophie decided to pack her bags and move to the competition where her talents were valued.

Through the experience, Sophie learned two key lessons. First, talent needs your positive gossip advocacy, and it’s critical to boost your team’s visibility well before promotion season. Second, she realized the importance of championing her own achievements. If you don’t take ownership of your own visibility, you risk being overlooked even if you’re the best in the room.

And this is where positive gossip becomes your secret weapon. What Sophie did for Alston was exactly that. She turned “positive gossip” into action.

Here’s how positive gossip ignites a virtuous circle:

• The Unsung Heroes: Positive Gossip is your secret promotion weapon. Leaders, if you want your team’s promotions to get the green light, start planting seeds of success by spreading the word about their achievements way before the promotion season.
• Trust Magnet: Positive gossip works wonders! A recent study reveals that positive gossip boosts trust, deepens relationships, and creates an environment where information flows freely. It’s like social glue.
• The Boomerang Effect: When you spread Positive Gossip, like backing someone up or giving credit where it’s due, it has a funny way of coming right back to you. It’s the ultimate feel-good boomerang. And for those who believe in a little cosmic justice, it’s a karma booster too. Think of it as good vibes on a return trip—you send them out, and they come flying back to you.
• Boosts Morale: Hearing good things about oneself or others uplifts spirits, making for a harmonious social environment at the workplace. Positive gossip is the workplace’s ”Easter egg”. It is hidden but delightful when they hear about it.
• The Scent of Positivity: In contrast to the repellant aroma of a negative gossip-monger, singing others’ praises turns you into a social potpourri. People will catch wind of your positive vibes and flock to you like bees to nectar.When you sprinkle genuine compliments at work, people not only feel good about the subject of your gossip—but they also start seeing you in a brighter light. It’s the ultimate win-win: you tell people how awesome someone is, and suddenly, everyone’s thinking, “Hey, you’re pretty awesome too!”
• Positive Gossip Foster Innovation and Loyalty: A study (2) within Chinese enterprises found that in organizations cultivating a supportive environment and strengthening interpersonal connections, positive gossip significantly enhances employee innovation. The study also found that positive gossip increases employee loyalty, which, in turn, leads to more innovative behavior.
• Positive Gossip Boosts Job Satisfaction and Sense of Belonging: Another study in China (3) found that positive workplace gossip has a direct positive effect on employees’ job satisfaction. When workers hear or participate in positive gossip, they feel better about their jobs and it strengthens the employees’ identification with their organization.

How To Avoid “Negative Gossip”

If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.” ~ Thumper (Bambi)

Don’t spread “Negative Gossip”. If you make a hasty judgment as I did, you might feel shame and regret sharing your “opinion”. Remember in American movies, when police arrest a suspect, they are required to read the “Miranda warnings” to inform the suspect of their constitutional rights. “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law”. The power of remaining silent can be a shield against impulsive negativity and incriminating negative gossip. In the poker game of life, your best hand may just be keeping your lips zipped.

Don’t take part in “Negative Gossip”. Let the toxic chatter train pass you by. There is no need to hop on it. If cornered for your two cents, pivot to Sherlock mode, demand proof, and champion for the accused to have a seat at the table for their own defense.

Use Socrates’ three sieves. If you can’t control the urge to take part in negative gossiping, at least filter the information and decide whether it’s worth sharing or hearing. The three sieves are Truth, Goodness, and Usefulness.

Before you spill the tea (what you intend to say), let it steep through Socrates’ three sieves: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? If it doesn’t pass all three sieves, it’s best to keep the kettle quiet!

Face the music test. This is your character’s litmus test. Are you a behind-the-scenes whisperer or a stand-up individual? Do you have the guts to say to someone’s face what you murmured behind their back?

Beware of favoritism. Selective “Positive Gossip” is counterproductive. When it is not inclusive, it backfires and is deemed discriminatory. Favoritism Positive Gossip is like a one-sided seesaw: It may lift one person up, but it leaves everyone else down, hurts morale, and ignites a wave of negative gossip.

Stand up against vicious gossip. Have other people’s back. Reveal your integrity by being the voice for those not present, especially when they’re the topic of unjust chatter.

When we encounter gossip that holds some truth and we’re unable to defend the absent individual, the least we can do is responsibly relay the constructive aspects of the chatter to the person being discussed.

How To Cultivate “Positive Gossip”

•  Spot the good. Switch and fine-tune your ”success radar” so you’ll be picking up on people’s efforts and small wins like a metal detector on a gold rush.
• Uncover the hidden. Cultivate an X-ray vision for talent. Hone your skill in unearthing hidden gems of talent. Experience sharpens your ability to recognize others’ untapped potential, especially when they’re oblivious to their own gifts.
• Be Timely: Don’t be a praise procrastinator; timely sharing of good news hits harder than a “better late than never” cheer.
•  Be consistent and authentic. Make sure you actually believe what you’re saying to avoid coming across as disingenuous. Inconsistent or fake flattery is the kryptonite to your credibility.
•  Share it with their bosses. Who wouldn’t want their higher-ups to be proud of their achievements? Make someone’s day by singing their praises in front of the very folks at work they aim to impress.
•  Rave on social media. After you’ve lauded them in the hushed tones of office chatter, seek their green light to go public. A social media shout out or a LinkedIn recommendation could be the cherry on their sundae of celebrating them.

In Conclusion

My time with Jeff taught me that gossip, whether it’s negative or positive, has consequences. Negative gossip may be tempting to vent out, but it wrecks trust, damages relationships, and hurts your reputation. It’s a losing game where everyone, including the gossiper, comes out worse.

Positive gossip, though—what I call “reverse backstabbing”—is the exact opposite. It builds others up, strengthens bonds, and even boosts your own credibility in the process.

Next time you catch yourself about to gossip, stop and ask yourself: Are these words going to tear someone down or build them up? Positive gossip creates a ripple effect of trust and cooperation, while negative gossip just drives wedges between people.

If you want to create a culture of respect and success, it starts with the words you choose. Spread positivity, recognize others’ strengths and watch how it not only makes a difference for them but also reflects back on you.

In the end, what you say behind someone’s back doesn’t just affect them—it shapes how others will remember you.

Now go and practice reverse backstabbing. Good luck.

About the Author

Avi Liran (Certified Speaking Professional, MBA) is a Global Chief Delighting Officer, an economist, author, columnist, humorist, and energetic motivational and twice TEDx speaker. Avi is one of the top motivational speakers, working globally from Singapore. He helps many Fortune 500 companies to deliver tangible results to organizations, creating delightful customer and employee experiences.

References

1. A Mentch/Mensch: First recorded in 1910–15; from Yiddish, refers to someone who embodies integrity, kindness, and responsibility. They are compassionate, considerate, and always strive to do the right thing. Being called a mentch is a high compliment, as it reflects a person’s strong character and genuine care for others.

2. Feinberg, M., Willer, R., Stellar, J., and Keltner, D. (2012, January 9). The Virtues of Gossip: Reputational Information Sharing as Prosocial Behavior. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Advanced online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0026650

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/221733188_The_Virtues_of_Gossip_Reputational_Information_Sharing_as_Prosocial_Behavior

3. The study titled “The Impact of Positive Workplace Gossip on Employee Innovative Behavior: The Role of Employee Loyalty and Organizational Trust,” published in Frontiers in Psychology, investigates how positive workplace gossip (PWG) affects innovation within Chinese enterprises. The research, conducted across the Pearl River and Yangtze River Delta regions, collected survey data from 327 employees. The study examines the relationship between PWG and innovative behavior, finding that employee loyalty plays a mediating role, while organizational trust acts as a moderator in this dynamic. This comprehensive analysis contributes to understanding how workplace culture and interpersonal relations influence innovation in corporate settings.

Citation: [PMC9730533]. (2022). The Impact of Positive Workplace Gossip on Employee Innovative Behavior: The Role of Employee Loyalty and Organizational Trust. Frontiers in Psychology. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.9730533.

4. The research titled “The Relationship between Positive Workplace Gossip and Job Satisfaction: The Mediating Role of Job Insecurity and Organizational Identity ” was conducted by researchers from multiple universities in China. The study involved scholars from Shandong Normal University, Zhejiang Normal University, China University of Mining and Technology, and Wuhan University. It examined how positive workplace gossip influences job satisfaction, particularly through the mediating effects of job insecurity and organizational identity. The study was based on data collected from employees of a state-owned enterprise in China. It was ethically reviewed and approved by the Academic Committee of Shandong Normal University, and its findings were published in Frontiers in Psychology.

Citation: Wang, D., Niu, Z., Sun, C., Yu, P., Wang, X., Xue, Q., & Hu, Y. (2022). The Relationship between Positive Workplace Gossip and Job Satisfaction: The Mediating Role of Job Insecurity and Organizational Identity. Frontiers in Psychology, 13, 989380. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.989380.